She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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