You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
