please come you make the beer taste better
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
