You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
