i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
