it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
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