so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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