the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
