Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
