We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
