It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
