I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize