I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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