I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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