I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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