I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
