My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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