Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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