I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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