Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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