I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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