i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
