OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
