I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
