3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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