I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
