so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
