in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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