Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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