after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
