Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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