did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
