but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
