my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Dignity is for republicans.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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