Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
