After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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