I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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