You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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