I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
