So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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