Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
