Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
