I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
