Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
