If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
