dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
