he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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