so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
