we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize