I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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