Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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