Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
