remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
