i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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