how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
